Categories
Awesome Moms Tell Your Tweens + Teens

Help Kids Cope With Reality

We all want our kids to feel happiness, to experience success, to be excited about life, right? However, if we truly want our children to be happy in the world, then they have to learn how to function within it.

Using strategies to keep our cherubs constantly content (or quiet) 100% of the time robs them of the ability to adjust, to cope, to self-soothe. These three skills are part of every content adult’s toolkit.

Here is the second of three solutions to a common dilemma. Although the mother refers to her two-year-old, make no mistake about it. If your tween or teen has not mastered this next skill, this article is for you! Again, if you can teach your child how to cope within your home, then you will be preparing her to cope outside of your home.

Query: “So, my daughter is 2 and we all know the terrible twos but I need help. She isn’t listening to me at all when her daddy is away at work, and I’m not sure what to do…. Please, some advice would be great!” (You can see the first solution here and the third solution here.)

Hearing “no” can be very disappointing for anyone. If you want your daughter to handle disappointment eloquently, it’s not automatic. You actually have to train her to change her habits and reactions.

Start by explaining what you are going to do at a time when you don’t have to do it. Take her on a walk where you can talk to each other while shoulder-to-shoulder, or sit together and paint your toenails. When you are actually faced with the situation, you’ll be able to remind her that you told her you were going to do this. She won’t be stunned by a sudden change is your process, but she still will react. Forewarned is forearmed.

Here’s the simple strategy for you to share with her ahead of time: Say to her, “Sometimes you get what you want, and sometimes you don’t get what you want. When you don’t get what you want, it may feel badly, but that’s okay. You’ll be all right again. Besides, you’ll get your way another time, so it all balances out.”

Then, in the following days, pick out several moments when she wants something easy, and say, “Sometimes you get what you want, and sometimes you don’t get what you want. This is one of those times when you’re getting what you want.”

You can plan for these moments— when she wants to wear mismatched socks, or wants more broccoli, or wants to move furniture to make a fort. You get the idea. Capitalize on things you were already willing to say “yes” to anyway.

Say it as many times as you can. Calm repetition is your friend, Mami.

You will be laying the groundwork for the next inevitable disappointing “no” for when— her little self wants an umbrella to try to fly like Mary Poppins, or her tween self wants to go to a party with high school kids, or her teenage self wants to go on a date before she turns 20 (okay, maybe not that one).

As each situation rears it’s ugly head, you’ll be ready. Calmly say to her, “Sometimes you get what you want, and sometimes you don’t get what you want. This is one of those times when you don’t get what you want. It may feel badly right now, but that’s okay. You’re a strong girl and you’ll be all right again. Besides, you’ll get your way another time.”

It may feel forced or awkward to you to repeat the same thing, but for her it will feel familiar- annoying, but familiar. If you are first employing this strategy with a tween or teen, your training must also undo her old habits and expectations. But, don’t worry. As long as you are consistent, the learning curve will be shorter.

If, on the other hand, you are not consistent, she will persistently argue, or explode, because you gave in the last time. This new approach may even evoke a tantrum or two, but I have a solution for that, too.

Check back for the third solution in my next post. If you don’t want to wait, pick up a copy of How To Keep Your Daughter From Slamming the Door here.

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I’m always looking for more content to share with you. What would you like to see me to address in my next book? Let me know at info@DeborahAnnDavis.com.

More soon. Wishing you health and happiness,

Deborah
Parenting Skills Coach

If you enjoyed this article, please share with anyone who would benefit.

Categories
Life Is Funny

Ordering Pizza In 2021

Who doesn’t crave a good pizza now and then (especially when you are worn out and want someone else to cook)? I admit the following was not written by me. Someone else emailed it to me, and I don’t know the original author, but since it made me laugh, I’m sharing it with you!

Ordering Pizza In 2021

Remember 1984? Big Brother Google may be watching…

Caller:  Alexa, call Gordon’s Pizza

GOOGLE: Hello, sir. GOOGLE PIZZA.

Caller:  Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it’s GOOGLE PIZZA.

Caller:  I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

Caller:  OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

Caller:  My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

Caller:  OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a gluten-free thin crust?

Caller:  What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

Caller:  How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Caller:  So what? I do not need your nasty vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only one box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

Caller:  I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

Caller:  I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

Caller:  I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

Caller:  WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE: I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Caller:  Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service, and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

Remember 1984? Big Brother Google is watching…


Get my latest book, “How To Keep Your Daughter From Slamming the Door” here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B089B67ZJN

Categories
Awesome Moms

When She Doesn’t Listen To You

When I received this query, it was so universal that I wanted to share the solution. First of all, you are not the mother of a 2 year old, THIS IS FOR YOU! That’s how universal this advice is. Picture the words as they apply to your 7 year old, your 11 year old, your 14 year old, or your 18 year old. It works for all ages.

Here are three solutions to a common dilemma, none of which are going to be easy in the beginning. But, make no mistake about it, they are well worth your patience because, if you can teach your child how to cope within your home, then you will be preparing her to cope outside of your home.

Query: “So, my daughter is 2 and we all know the terrible twos but I need help. She isn’t listening to me at all when her daddy is away at work, and I’m not sure what to do…. Please, some advice would be great!”

First of all, never ask a question that requires a yes or no answer. If she is feeling cantankerous (I love that word), she will always say no. Instead, when you want her to do something, give her two choices, both of which you are good with.

Example 1:
“Do you want to get ready for bed?” (Answer: No.)
Versus “Do you want to brush your teeth before putting on your pajamas, or after putting on your pajamas?”

Example 2:
“Do you want to sit for a minute and talk” (Answer: No.)
Versus “Do you want to sit and talk now, or would you rather I come back in 10 minutes?”

By making it her choice, she retains some power, while at the same time graciously accommodating you (and, don’t we want our daughters to be empowered when they go out into the world?).

Plan these lead-ins ahead of time for any situation where she typically digs in her heels. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

What if she won’t choose?

What if she doesn’t want to do either of the choices you offered?

(Her Response: I don’t want to go to bed!)

Your reply: “We’re not talking about going to bed. We are talking about whether you want to brush your teeth before putting on your pajamas, or after putting on your pajamas. Which one do you want to do? Do you want to brush your teeth before putting on your pajamas, or after putting on your pajamas?”

Calm repetition is your friend, Mom.

(Her Response: Whatever.)

Your reply: Plop down next to her and say, “Okay, let’s talk now.”

You better be prepared with your next sentence. She’s curious about what you’re going to discuss, and may be apprehensive. You can relieve the tension by easing through a side door. Try saying one of these:

  • “I just read this article that ____. How do you think your best friend (the neighbor, that girl you don’t like, that cute boy, your grandmother) would react to that?”
  • “When I was your age, I was worried about ____. Things are different for you because so much is changing in the world. Do the other kids worry about ____ any more?”
  • “Do you know anyone who ____ (has trouble falling asleep; has nightmares; is worried about college;)?”

These side doors allow you to raise topics of concern without creating a laser focus on your child. It means the two of you are looking at the subject together, as opposed to you examining her.

IMPORTANT: Do not correct her opinions, or challenge them. Her opinions belong to her, and she is entitled to them. When you don’t agree, provide neutral feedback.

  • “That’s interesting.”
  • “How does your best friend feel about that?”
  • “Hmmmm…”
  • “I understand what you’re saying.”

Besides, this time next week she may very well have a different set of opinions.

What if it doesn’t work?

You approached her completely prepared, but you were still on the receiving end of a stubborn tirade, or worse, quietly rebuffed and shunned.

Congratulations! What you have done is successfully laid the groundwork for change. She won’t recognize it yet, but on some level she is aware that something is different. She has registered your attempt, whether or not she responded appropriately. And, she is internalizing the fact that you responded calmly to what she dished out.

So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and prepare another lead-in for later. Calm repetition is your friend, Mom. Be consistent and persistent, and the climate will eventually change in your home.

Check back for the other two solutions in my next two posts. If you don’t want to wait, pick up a copy of How To Keep Your Daughter From Slamming the Door.

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I’m always looking for more content to share with you. If you have any queries you’d like me to address, reach out. info@DeborahAnnDavis

More soon. Wishing you health and happiness,

Deborah
Parenting Skills Coach

If you enjoyed this article, please share with anyone who would benefit.