Should I Be Grieving? Advice to an Awesome Mom
I love it when someone asks me for advice. For a parenting strategist with a blog named Merry Meddling, it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.
Awesome Mom’s Question: “Just wondering if you can help me resolve my relationship with my father who is now two years deceased? I don’t miss him, I’m not nor have I once grieved his loss. I feel bad about this. He was a miserable man.”
Time To Merrily Meddle:
Without any details to go on, the thing that jumps out at me is how you are feeling badly about this situation. It’s not your relationship with him that needs to be resolved first; it’s your relationship with yourself that does.
4 Powerful Parenting Strategies:
1. There is no right or wrong way to handle loss. Instead of holding yourself to some self-imposed societal-based standard (I’d be a better person if I…), perhaps you need to cut yourself some slack. Don’t let others get in your head about how you should feel. Ditch the “shoulda… woulda… coulda…” vibe, and handle/react to the situation in a way that feels right to you. I vote for choosing a direction that provides healing and happiness for yourself.
I find that about every 10 years our perceptions change. We’re older and more experienced. We understand the world and the human equation better. We don’t remember the events of the past as clearly. 10 years from now, you may see your relationship with your father differently (or, you may not). At that time, handle/react to the situation in a way that feels right to you. Hopefully, it will still be a direction that provides healing and happiness.
2. Let go of the guilt and discomfort over having your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings. They aren’t good or bad. They are yours, and they will feel strong as long as they need to. When you no longer need them to be important, they won’t be. Until then, you have to choose how you are going to react to your feelings. So, acknowledge them, and when you’re ready, let them go. That’s how you regain your power.
3. Personally, for decades I felt like I should’ve done more to stop my parents’ divorce (an event that happened while I was a teen). Once I became more self-aware, I understood it was their journey, and I finally let that go. Your father’s being miserable was his journey. You had no control over it, and you could not have fixed it. For some reason, he had chosen that path, just as my parents chose their path, but we as children take on Inappropriate responsibility for our parents’ lives, and our inability to make them better. But, once I chose to look at it differently, I felt differently about it.
4. If your father passed on still feeling miserable, you may have some residual guilt about failing to “fix” him. ALL GUILT IS INAPPROPRIATE. Guilt serves one purpose, and one purpose only – to raise awareness in us about a situation. That’s it. Your job now is to get rid of any and all residual guilt. Plus, this parenting strategy is a great tool to model for your kids. (See my lessons on how to kick guilt to the curb.)
Again, I’m shooting in the dark here without any details about your experience, but the four strategies I’ve shared here are pretty common, especially for women. I’ve resolved many things in my basically happy life by choosing how I want to experience them. I wish the same for you. It takes practice, but that’s okay. Living a happy, balanced life requires dedication, and it’s well worth it.
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I’m always looking for more content to share with you. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
More soon. Wishing you health and happiness,
Deborah
Parenting Strategist Extraordinaire
Empowering the moms will empower the daughters as they lead by example. If you want some guidance in that department…
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About the Author
Hi There! And, Welcome!
I’m Deborah Ann Davis, and I’ve been at this for over three decades, first as a high school teacher, and now as a parenting strategist within The Awesome Mom Tribe. I’m into sharing tons of techniques that put you in touch with yourself, despite all that negative energy out there.
On a personal note, I’m all about bird-watching, rock-collecting, picture-taking and science-geeking. I have a wonderful husband and we have an incredible daughter (objectively speaking, of course). Basically, with all its ups and downs, I love my life!
The Secret to a Healthy Life: Laugh Every Day!
