Parenting Means Making Mistakes, and Fixing Them
I love it when someone asks me advice. For a parenting strategist like me, who has a blog called Merry Meddling, it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.
An Awesome Mom’s Question
Hey Deborah,
How do I convince my kids that I have their best interest at heart when I deny their request? They’re too immature to handle certain things, you know what I mean?
Time to Merrily Meddle
First of all, you’re not alone. Secondly, holding a conversation on a touchy topic is the perfect situation for my Side-by-Side Strategy!
- Creating a safe setting to talk is a very powerful relationship tool. Basically, you introduce a conversation topic in a neutral environment, at a calm time.
- Pair that with a casual task that you can both do, one that won’t interfere with the conversation flow. (Take a walk. Fold laundry. Pull weeds. Cook.) Also, the activity in the situation generates Happy Hormones, so win-win!
- This task should be conducted side by side. When you face each other, you run the risk of your teen’s undeveloped frontal lobe misinterpreting your facial expressions. That’s eliminated when the focus is on the task.
- Being shoulder to shoulder also presents a subtle “Us Against Them” vibe, putting you both on the same side as you tackle an issue together, instead of tackling each other.
- Prepare a way to bring up the topic of conversation. Easy-peasy, right?
If broaching a touchy topic makes you uncomfortable, here’s a little homework for you. Write down 3 minor issues you’ve already had that could be easy to convert into an “Us Against Them” scenario for your kids. No problems yet? Then pick one from someone else’s relationship to discuss.
Approach your Darling in a relaxed manner, and say something like this:
“I’ve been thinking about the way we interact. Sometimes it seems a little off. For example… remember when _____? We got into it because you thought ____ and I thought ___.
We were looking at it the wrong way. In reality, that situation is one of those obstacles thrown at us by the world. You and I need to figure out a way to handle it together. We need to solve that problem, not let the problem mess with our relationship.
How do you think ____ would handle it?” [Pick a favorite book or movie character… a hero… a relative or a friend.]
Then…LISTEN. Listen to your child’s view. Don’t interject or reject. Just listen. Don’t offer suggestions or corrections EXCEPT to steer them back to the Us Against Them concept (and away from the “Me Against You “concept).
Nudge them back to neutral with something like this: “How should we do that so we are on the same side, fighting the same problem?”
Finish with, “Those are interesting ideas. Let’s try to do something like that the next time we bang heads, okay?”
After you’ve explored this at least once – again, in a neutral setting at a neutral time -when the next conflict arises, you can say something like, “Hold on. We’re doing that same old thing again… you against me. That’s no good. Let’s clarify the problem, and see how we can solve it together.”
You’ll see a difference (once you slog through the learning curve)!
Now… rewrite all that in your own words so your conversation will sound authentic, and go find your kid for a chat. 😉
Happily,
Deborah
P.S. When I was producing my course, Connecting with Kids in a Disconnected World, I had sooo much material that it began to get top-heavy. My solution? Pluck some content out and use it to answer some parenting questions.
This advice came from my work In Module 4 – Parenting Means Making Mistakes… and Fixing Them.
If you’d like to find out more, click here.
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I’m always looking for more content to share with you. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
More soon. Wishing you and yours health and happiness,
Deborah Ann Davis
Parenting Strategist Extraordinaire 😉
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About the Author
Hi There! And, Welcome!
I’m Deborah Ann Davis, and I’ve been at this for over three decades, first as a high school teacher, and now as a parenting strategist within The Awesome Mom Tribe. I’m into sharing tons of techniques that put you in touch with yourself, despite all that negative energy out there.
On a personal note, I’m all about bird-watching, rock-collecting, picture-taking and science-geeking. I have a wonderful husband and we have an incredible daughter (objectively speaking, of course). Basically, with all its ups and downs, I love my life!
The Secret to a Healthy Life: Laugh Every Day!
