Unsolicited Parenting Advice for Moms of Freshmen

Don’t you just love freshmen?

They’re one of my favorite groups of students — a marvelous blend of big kid psyche and little kid sass, of sophistication and naiveté, of brilliance and idiocy. I taught them science for years, watching them morph from September through June. I can say, without hesitation, no one changes as drastically, and in such a relatively short period of time, as high school freshmen.

Moms, here is my unsolicited advice if you have students starting a new school. (Freshmen, listen up!)

Keep a tight rein!

Mom, your kid may look more mature and responsible than ever — and she or he could very well be more mature and responsible — but the beginning of the school year is not the right time to extend latitude.

Think of it this way…

EVERYTHING will be new!

And now, you’re going to add New freedom on top of all that crazy adjusting that has to take place?

I don’t think so.

EVERYBODY, including the custodians, will be older than the freshmen. That alone can be a shock to their system. (Especially after ruling the school during their eighth grade year.)

Having familiar parameters for them creates a safe, predictable island in the tumultuous New School Ocean, a safe haven where they won’t get blindsided. Familiar boundaries let new students know what they are supposed to do, and when they are supposed to do it.

While school may be crazy new, customary home expectations will be comfortably unsurprising.

Wait Until the First Successful Report Card

You can loosen the reins after the first successful report card. At that point, most new students will understand the building, their teachers, the library, their schedule, their locker (maybe not the locker), their peers (umm… and maybe not their peers), etc.

At that point, new freedoms can be more readily assimilated into their newer lifestyle — now that the new school isn’t so new anymore, and high school life feels more manageable. As your student become more savvy, and can successfully juggle group projects and long-term assignments with ease (despite navigating that new crush, and negotiating that mean kid), a satisfactory report card is proof she or he is better prepared to make appropriate independent decisions.

If You Don’t Wait

Suppose, instead, you decide to reward your stellar students with later curfews and looser boundaries. Supposed your dynamic daughter starts to flounder. Suppose your super son starts losing sleep. Now what? Tighten the reins?

Probably. Once you tamp down on that rising Mom Anxiety and Guilt, you’ll assess the unexpected report card, it would make sense to rein your kids in. However, that’s a little like closing the barn door after the alpaca gets out.

Your kids won’t welcome the return of the old rules and curfews. It will feel like punishment to them. Or worse, they might feel like you don’t have faith in them anymore. They’ll worry that they’ve let you down, and will feel ashamed (something we never want to have happen!). Even worse, they may conclude they are unworthy of your earlier faith in them, and they’re not as smart as you think they are.

Yeah, pretty damaging, right?

And, what about you? In the face of their blowback, might you feel even more Mom Guilt added to the Mom Guilt you already lug around? Most likely. Might you feel like your mistake let down your kids? Probably.

But, I hope not!

I can’t tell you how often I saw this scenario unfold when I was teaching in all the grades, although it was always worse for freshmen. Low grades on the first 9th grade report card dashed that beautiful hope they had at the start of school. You know, the one where they believed they could handle high school, and that this year would be better than last year.

You can circumvent all that INAPPROPRIATE disappointment, shame and guilt by adopting a conservative approach to school before the school year begins.

However, if the barn door has indeed been closed after the alpaca got out, DEAL WITH IT!

Have an open and honest conversation with your adolescent, making sure you share the philosophy of this article.
Emphasize that this situation can be fixed, and make a plan to fix it.
Focus on being objective and empowering (“I didn’t understand, but now I do.”) and not self-blaming and guilt-ridden (“It’s my fault. I let you down.”).
Establish that you and your child are a team, and you will conquer this situation together!

And, then, get busy doing just that.

Enjoy the fresh start of the new school year!

The positive possibilities are endless!

For more tips for handling school year, check out my course on rocking Back-to-School.